Most days I seem to be ok, and then some days I miss him so much I can hardly breathe.

Here’s another one. I’m obsessed with making things at the moment but so far they are not looking too professional! It started as some embroidery practice (split stitch) and turned into a bookmark for my lucky old friend Katy’s birthday. OBVIOUSLY it’s not her only present!

I was reading an article today about marriage, and how it requires work and isn’t all hearts and rainbows. A woman had written an account of how she got through a very bad patch in her marriage, and the way she wrote it made me think about it for quite a while afterwards.

She’d been a very successful businesswoman, her husband was also successful in his job, they had money, great friends and a good social life, and a great relationship together. Then she had two kids and took time off work to care for them, and she said that this changed everything within her marriage. I think what it boiled down to was that she knew herself when she was wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, and felt confident and strong, but stuck at home with two tiny children while her husband continued the life they’d both been living previously eroded her energy and her confidence, and thus their relationship.

It made me think because marriage and relationships are topics on my mind a great deal these days. Many of my contemporaries are married, engaged and/or pregnant, or already have children, and I have none of these things. In fact I’m as single as it’s possible to be, after an all encompassingly devastating break up last year. Coming up as I am now for a year of being single, I don’t know, maybe it’s also something to do with that new year, fresh start feeling, I am feeling comfortable with my singleness (?) for the first time in a very long time. In fact most days I’m actively pleased to be single because I can do exactly as I please when I please, everything in my home is mine, including the mess, and having just started my own business I wouldn’t have the time to put into a relationship anyway. (If I’m totally honest, a tiny bit of me also knows what I’m like in new relationships, and how everything else falls by the wayside for a while, and this business is something I’m doing for me, and I’m grateful not to have a distraction that might prevent it from happening.)

There are so many books and articles out there about how to be happy when you’re single, as if it’s some kind of illness to be got rid of or managed, while (and they never admit this bit but it’s there between every line) waiting for your real life to start when you meet ‘The One’ (ugh). Or they are resolutely and almost desperately optimistic about how fun being single really is and how married and coupled up people sometimes envy your single status. ‘Oh come on!’, I always want to shout. ‘Being single sucks. Stop pretending!’ I still think this. In your heart of hearts, do you really love being single that much? I mean, I bet if I offered singledom to any of these optimistic, yet desperate women as a lifelong option, they’d all blanch and fall over. Being single is not an illness, but it’s not what any of us dreams of, if we’re really honest. Of course we want to find someone special and be with them forever and live happily ever after. It’s natural for humans. It’s biological for god’s sake!

But today I guess I realised, not just intellectually understood, but really grasped for myself, that being single can actually be a lot of fun, especially if you don’t make it all about serial dating and hunting down some poor unsuspecting innocent to stick a ring on your finger and a bun in your oven. I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship and the complications it can bring right now. I’m doing things for me, I have plans for this year. Yes, one of them is to say yes to more invitations, but not to meet someone, just to have more fun. Of course I don’t want it to last forever though!

On good days I believe that when it’s the right time he’ll pop up in my life and all will be well. That time is not now. I’ve always been late coming to things and while it might be hard to watch my friends go over to the dark side one by one, I keep secret faith in the fact that I deserve to be happy like anyone else. And if I am happy in myself, isn’t that what they say, then all sorts of doors will open. On bad days, I wonder what’s wrong with me and feel alone like anyone else, but feelings aren’t real things are they? They always pass. Have faith and do your own thing I say. Make good things happen for yourself, don’t spend all your time looking. And hopefully you’ll find your One one of these days.

I’m not sure how much sense this makes. I’m tired but I wanted to get it down, so when I’m having a really shit day and feeling lonely and unwanted, I’ll have it in black and white that not every day is like this.

I’m a big fan of craft blogs, and love seeing what beautiful things people can make. Then I pretend that I’m going to teach myself to do those things too.

Just before Christmas I found instructions on how to make a rabbit out of a pair of gloves.

And this is why mine isn’t a craft blog.

After several weeks of making excuses (which is weird because I always enjoy it when I go, and actually, it shouldn’t even be about me), I finally went along to help at the homeless shelter this evening. I was put on tea/coffee/hot chocolate duty like before, and saw A briefly before she went home to inspect the mess her new three month old puppy had quite probably inflicted on her home. F took her place and we chatted while handing out the drinks. It almost seems wrong to say I enjoyed myself, but I did. We even got some leftover shepherds pie and peas at the end, which was yummy.

I couldn’t help looking across the room and wondering how these people had come to be in this situation; what they did before, where they were from (most seemed to be Eastern European), what they do now when the shelter isn’t available, what their lives are really like. I can’t think about it too much when I’m there because I always want to cry, which would be totally inappropriate. I have so much, and it’s good for me to be reminded of this. I’m prone to getting too self-absorbed, and as someone pointed out once before, doing something for someone else is a very good way to stop this and the downward spiral it often starts. It takes you entirely out of yourself, which is a Very Good Thing.

What’s so frightening is that you can become homeless overnight, and as F said, it’s like abuse – it has nothing to do with class, it can strike anyone. And I suspect there were people in that room this evening who are better qualified and more intelligent than I am, just somehow I got incredibly lucky and somehow they had it taken all away. I just don’t understand how life works sometimes. I’d love to be the sort of person who can sit down and talk to them about their lives, but I feel self conscious and don’t want to intrude.

The only thing I can think of to do, apart from go again next week, is to maybe donate something, something they don’t ever have because it’s a luxury. That or some plates and bowls, because we had to use paper plates, which is not only environmentally unfriendly, but was like eating off a tissue. I don’t do enough to help others, and that’s going to change.

I don’t make resolutions because as soon as I feel like I have to do something, I immediately don’t want to do it, and then I  waste a lot of time beating myself up about not doing it when I said I would. But there is something ‘new start-y’ about New Year, and inevitably your thoughts turn to things you’d like to change or start doing or being. So here’s a wee list, just for me really, of things I’d like to do or happen or change in 2008, then I can look back over it this time next year and shake my head with an unsurprised smile as I remember my good intentions and wonder where they went. (The other thing I don’t like about resolutions is that they always seem to be so negative; I won’t do this, I won’t be like that. Bugger that, frankly. Let’s decide what we WILL do. Much more positive.) So here are some things I may or may not do this year:

~ The most important thing, which I’ll be doing anyway, is growing my business, in whatever ways I can. Lots of plans for marketing, press, new products etc. The key is to get more customers, and having an order come in on New Year’s Eve is, I feel, a very good omen!

~ Rollerblading lessons; potentially a way to get fit without noticing…..

~ I will be finally getting over he who I thought was the love of my life this year. Oh yes. (I hope he wasn’t.)

~ I will also be saying yes to more invitations to social things. I’ve been a virtual recluse this year and it’s time to remind everyone how fun I actually am in real life.

~ I’ll be thirty this year. That’s one thing there really is no getting out of.

~ Start giving more to charity.

~ Learn to crochet and embroider

~ Having found www.acomplaintfreeworld.org, my boss and I are going to attempt to stop gossipping, complaining and criticising, and thus, we are confidently informed, become happier people.

~ Keep a real plant and not kill it.

~ Maybe do a charity walk (get fit, help people; win win.)

I think that’ll do. I may add more over time, but best not to over promise and under deliver as they say in business. Oh, and before I sign off, I think a little review is in order; good to write down what I achieved/what happened in 2007 to see how far I’ve come I think:

~ I was burgled on New Year’s Eve; luckily they only took small things like my ipod and digital camera, (which were replaced by insurance) but they made an awful muddy mess. My heart was really and utterly broken in February, but I started my own business over the course of the year (about 9 months) – got my website up and running and started two blogs. I went to Morocco with my mum and my brother. I did the occasional good deed like donating to charity and helping an old lady cross the road. I had about three nights out the whole year, and those were with family so I’m not sure that counts! I learned how to use Photoshop. I fell out with two old friends, made it up with one and realised the other one wasn’t actually a friend in the first place. I got a part time job in a shop in April which I enjoy. I did a course in Evolutionary Enlightenment. For a while I had two part time jobs while setting up the business. I joined a meditation class (somewhat erratic attendance but enjoy it).  I became a trustee for a family charitable trust set up by mum. I tracked down and met a girl I’d read about in a magazine years and years ago, who also started her own business, and really inspired me. I had my tarot cards read. I went to the Women in Ethical Business Awards. I went to my first trade show and loved it! I saw ‘Harry Potter’ naked in Equus, and the History Boys, and the Snow Queen ballet. I had a fireplace put into my living room. I rediscovered at least three friends (Marie, Kitty, Fi) through Facebook. I had my third tattoo done; an adaptation of the Pisces symbol designed by me on my left foot. I went to Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant and the Lanesborough. I started seeing a new kinesiologist. I had two sale evenings in my flat before the launch of the website, which grossed around £750. I did two mini Christmas fairs which sadly weren’t so lucrative! I went to the Affordable Art Fair with a friend and bought my first ever piece of art. In fact I bought two. I wrote to a prisoner abroad for a few months, but sadly had to stop as I had miscalculated how much time I’d have free. I had a very upsetting run in with the downstairs neighbours which is yet to be resolved completely. I went ice skating at the Natural History Museum.

Lord, I’ve actually been quite busy it seems! I’m glad I put that all down; nothing like a bit of  black and white to get some perspective. Well, it’s 2008 now, and although we’re only 11 hours in I’ve had one order and last night was actually fun, which is possibly a first for me, so it’s a good start! Onwards and upwards.

There, I said it. What no one except the truly destitute can say without fear of retribution and stern glares and ‘but you have so much’es. I’m sorry. I find Christmas internally quite hard. Part of me feels that it’s about family and being cosy and having nice meals together and feeling good, and part of me feels lonely and hollow and can’t shake the ache no matter how hard I try.

It’s a known fact that returning to the bosom of one’s family seems to make everyone revert to the roles of their childhood, and interact in the way they did all those years ago. It’s certainly true in our house. My brother becomes the arrogant, smug ‘I’m always right and no one else’s opinion matters because you are all wrong, oh and by the way I’m amazing’ pain in the arse. I become the child that couldn’t make anyone see how it really was for her and so struggles inside and sometimes it slips out in biting sarcasm or manipulative side swipes. My sister usually just gets drunk which at least affords some laughter. Our father treats us all as if we’re still five and can’t do a single damn thing for ourselves, (that also includes thinking), and Mum is ever the peace maker.

A normal family I guess, with its secrets and sadnesses, its laughter and rubbing along together. Probably something a lot of people would give an awful lot for, so let’s just add some guilt for not being grateful enough for my extraordinary good fortune in life.

I know I sound like a grinch. I want so much to feel the magic of Christmas. Part of me wants to be a kid again to feel that anticipation and excitement, and the joy of opening presents and the routine of the day that makes it full of family traditions and warmth. I have so much, more than my fair share, but that is all Things and as much as I am truly grateful for those, there is still this big old hole on the inside that likes to make itself felt on Important Happy Occasions. That little voice I’ve not heard or managed not to take notice of gets louder, and tells me how I’m no good, and hateful for being so ungrateful, and I’m not enough not enough not enough. I know those things aren’t true; hell, almost a decade of therapy has to have taught me something! So I will make the annual concerted effort to ignore the voice, let the family tensions wash over me, and I’ll probably find, as I usually do, that I enjoy Christmas Day in the end. It is, after all, only one day.

(So much for the blog break.)

Wow, this blogging thing is high maintenance. Except in my case it isn’t because I haven’ t done it for ages. But to be fair, I’ve been running a business, working in a shop and trying to have some kind of life (well, the first two things are true), which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for a) blogging and b) doing anything interesting enough to actually write about. There is some comfort in the fact that no one I know knows about this blog so no one really reads it unless they are unfortunate enough to stumble on it by accident. Which means I can write anything I like really. I guess I haven’t much because I keep a diary as well, and I have a business blog, and really that is becoming altogether too much writing!

So after a whole paragraph about nothing, I’m going to sign off for a while. I’ve considered deleting the blog, but then I thought, I might like to look back over it in years to come, when my life really IS crazy and exciting, and think ‘Ahhh, those were the days’, or something.

Being single when almost all your friends are deliriously head over heels and you’re still in love with the guy who left you nearly a year ago REALLY SUCKS. There is no doubt that I am genuinely happy for my loved up friends, but coming home to an empty flat which is a complete tip and needs a damn good clean frankly is not in any way cheering.

However. I am not going to go down this road, so I had a bubble bath and am planning some nice things for myself. I haven’t made anything in ages so I’m going to see about that, I have a painting to finish for a friend (well, technically it’s pastels and gold leaf, but what do you call that, a picture? What am I, five?), and cupboards full of craft things waiting to be, um, crafted.  Tidying the bombsite that is my flat would be a better use of my time but wouldn’t be fun so is not allowed.

I’m seriously considering hiring someone to do a one off blitz. But I’d just have to tidy and clean a bit before they arrived….

I finally donated some money to charity. It’s only taken me nearly a year to get down to it, decide how much and to whom. I went back to JustGiving.com and settled on a charity called CAMFED International.

‘Educating girls and women is widely recognised as the single most powerful weapon in the fight against poverty and HIV/AIDS in Africa. Since 1993, the Campaign for Female Education (CAMFED) has been supporting girls through school in some of the poorest rural areas of Zimbabwe, Zambia, Ghana and Tanzania. In 2005, more than 246,000 children benefited from CAMFED’s programme of educational support, helping them to leave behind a life of poverty.’

Confronted by an overwhelming choice – Here or abroad? Children or animals? Homeless or sick? Human rights or environment? – I decided on this one because I strongly believe that it’s better to give something that allows people to help themselves, than to give and leave nothing behind when the money runs out or the volunteers leave. People need to be able to sustain themselves, to protect their own futures and have dignity. And as a former teacher I believe in education as a means to do this.

It was a very small donation but I plan to give more in future. I have so much, not just materially but in terms of a loving family and friends, a home of my own in a peaceful and prosperous country, a good education behind me which has enabled me to achieve things for myself that would not have been the case if I was one of the girls that CAMFED supports.  I am also putting Just Giving in my blogroll. It’s my new favourite site.

Edit: Or I would do if I could work out how to make my blogroll visible.