I was reading an article today about marriage, and how it requires work and isn’t all hearts and rainbows. A woman had written an account of how she got through a very bad patch in her marriage, and the way she wrote it made me think about it for quite a while afterwards.

She’d been a very successful businesswoman, her husband was also successful in his job, they had money, great friends and a good social life, and a great relationship together. Then she had two kids and took time off work to care for them, and she said that this changed everything within her marriage. I think what it boiled down to was that she knew herself when she was wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase, and felt confident and strong, but stuck at home with two tiny children while her husband continued the life they’d both been living previously eroded her energy and her confidence, and thus their relationship.

It made me think because marriage and relationships are topics on my mind a great deal these days. Many of my contemporaries are married, engaged and/or pregnant, or already have children, and I have none of these things. In fact I’m as single as it’s possible to be, after an all encompassingly devastating break up last year. Coming up as I am now for a year of being single, I don’t know, maybe it’s also something to do with that new year, fresh start feeling, I am feeling comfortable with my singleness (?) for the first time in a very long time. In fact most days I’m actively pleased to be single because I can do exactly as I please when I please, everything in my home is mine, including the mess, and having just started my own business I wouldn’t have the time to put into a relationship anyway. (If I’m totally honest, a tiny bit of me also knows what I’m like in new relationships, and how everything else falls by the wayside for a while, and this business is something I’m doing for me, and I’m grateful not to have a distraction that might prevent it from happening.)

There are so many books and articles out there about how to be happy when you’re single, as if it’s some kind of illness to be got rid of or managed, while (and they never admit this bit but it’s there between every line) waiting for your real life to start when you meet ‘The One’ (ugh). Or they are resolutely and almost desperately optimistic about how fun being single really is and how married and coupled up people sometimes envy your single status. ‘Oh come on!’, I always want to shout. ‘Being single sucks. Stop pretending!’ I still think this. In your heart of hearts, do you really love being single that much? I mean, I bet if I offered singledom to any of these optimistic, yet desperate women as a lifelong option, they’d all blanch and fall over. Being single is not an illness, but it’s not what any of us dreams of, if we’re really honest. Of course we want to find someone special and be with them forever and live happily ever after. It’s natural for humans. It’s biological for god’s sake!

But today I guess I realised, not just intellectually understood, but really grasped for myself, that being single can actually be a lot of fun, especially if you don’t make it all about serial dating and hunting down some poor unsuspecting innocent to stick a ring on your finger and a bun in your oven. I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship and the complications it can bring right now. I’m doing things for me, I have plans for this year. Yes, one of them is to say yes to more invitations, but not to meet someone, just to have more fun. Of course I don’t want it to last forever though!

On good days I believe that when it’s the right time he’ll pop up in my life and all will be well. That time is not now. I’ve always been late coming to things and while it might be hard to watch my friends go over to the dark side one by one, I keep secret faith in the fact that I deserve to be happy like anyone else. And if I am happy in myself, isn’t that what they say, then all sorts of doors will open. On bad days, I wonder what’s wrong with me and feel alone like anyone else, but feelings aren’t real things are they? They always pass. Have faith and do your own thing I say. Make good things happen for yourself, don’t spend all your time looking. And hopefully you’ll find your One one of these days.

I’m not sure how much sense this makes. I’m tired but I wanted to get it down, so when I’m having a really shit day and feeling lonely and unwanted, I’ll have it in black and white that not every day is like this.

Helping At The Shelter

After several weeks of making excuses (which is weird because I always enjoy it when I go, and actually, it shouldn’t even be about me), I finally went along to help at the homeless shelter this evening. I was put on tea/coffee/hot chocolate duty like before, and saw A briefly before she went home to inspect the mess her new three month old puppy had quite probably inflicted on her home. F took her place and we chatted while handing out the drinks. It almost seems wrong to say I enjoyed myself, but I did. We even got some leftover shepherds pie and peas at the end, which was yummy.

I couldn’t help looking across the room and wondering how these people had come to be in this situation; what they did before, where they were from (most seemed to be Eastern European), what they do now when the shelter isn’t available, what their lives are really like. I can’t think about it too much when I’m there because I always want to cry, which would be totally inappropriate. I have so much, and it’s good for me to be reminded of this. I’m prone to getting too self-absorbed, and as someone pointed out once before, doing something for someone else is a very good way to stop this and the downward spiral it often starts. It takes you entirely out of yourself, which is a Very Good Thing.

What’s so frightening is that you can become homeless overnight, and as F said, it’s like abuse – it has nothing to do with class, it can strike anyone. And I suspect there were people in that room this evening who are better qualified and more intelligent than I am, just somehow I got incredibly lucky and somehow they had it taken all away. I just don’t understand how life works sometimes. I’d love to be the sort of person who can sit down and talk to them about their lives, but I feel self conscious and don’t want to intrude.

The only thing I can think of to do, apart from go again next week, is to maybe donate something, something they don’t ever have because it’s a luxury. That or some plates and bowls, because we had to use paper plates, which is not only environmentally unfriendly, but was like eating off a tissue. I don’t do enough to help others, and that’s going to change.

On NOT Making Resolutions

I don’t make resolutions because as soon as I feel like I have to do something, I immediately don’t want to do it, and then I  waste a lot of time beating myself up about not doing it when I said I would. But there is something ‘new start-y’ about New Year, and inevitably your thoughts turn to things you’d like to change or start doing or being. So here’s a wee list, just for me really, of things I’d like to do or happen or change in 2008, then I can look back over it this time next year and shake my head with an unsurprised smile as I remember my good intentions and wonder where they went. (The other thing I don’t like about resolutions is that they always seem to be so negative; I won’t do this, I won’t be like that. Bugger that, frankly. Let’s decide what we WILL do. Much more positive.) So here are some things I may or may not do this year:

~ The most important thing, which I’ll be doing anyway, is growing my business, in whatever ways I can. Lots of plans for marketing, press, new products etc. The key is to get more customers, and having an order come in on New Year’s Eve is, I feel, a very good omen!

~ Rollerblading lessons; potentially a way to get fit without noticing…..

~ I will be finally getting over he who I thought was the love of my life this year. Oh yes. (I hope he wasn’t.)

~ I will also be saying yes to more invitations to social things. I’ve been a virtual recluse this year and it’s time to remind everyone how fun I actually am in real life.

~ I’ll be thirty this year. That’s one thing there really is no getting out of.

~ Start giving more to charity.

~ Learn to crochet and embroider

~ Having found www.acomplaintfreeworld.org, my boss and I are going to attempt to stop gossipping, complaining and criticising, and thus, we are confidently informed, become happier people.

~ Keep a real plant and not kill it.

~ Maybe do a charity walk (get fit, help people; win win.)

I think that’ll do. I may add more over time, but best not to over promise and under deliver as they say in business. Oh, and before I sign off, I think a little review is in order; good to write down what I achieved/what happened in 2007 to see how far I’ve come I think:

~ I was burgled on New Year’s Eve; luckily they only took small things like my ipod and digital camera, (which were replaced by insurance) but they made an awful muddy mess. My heart was really and utterly broken in February, but I started my own business over the course of the year (about 9 months) – got my website up and running and started two blogs. I went to Morocco with my mum and my brother. I did the occasional good deed like donating to charity and helping an old lady cross the road. I had about three nights out the whole year, and those were with family so I’m not sure that counts! I learned how to use Photoshop. I fell out with two old friends, made it up with one and realised the other one wasn’t actually a friend in the first place. I got a part time job in a shop in April which I enjoy. I did a course in Evolutionary Enlightenment. For a while I had two part time jobs while setting up the business. I joined a meditation class (somewhat erratic attendance but enjoy it).  I became a trustee for a family charitable trust set up by mum. I tracked down and met a girl I’d read about in a magazine years and years ago, who also started her own business, and really inspired me. I had my tarot cards read. I went to the Women in Ethical Business Awards. I went to my first trade show and loved it! I saw ‘Harry Potter’ naked in Equus, and the History Boys, and the Snow Queen ballet. I had a fireplace put into my living room. I rediscovered at least three friends (Marie, Kitty, Fi) through Facebook. I had my third tattoo done; an adaptation of the Pisces symbol designed by me on my left foot. I went to Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant and the Lanesborough. I started seeing a new kinesiologist. I had two sale evenings in my flat before the launch of the website, which grossed around £750. I did two mini Christmas fairs which sadly weren’t so lucrative! I went to the Affordable Art Fair with a friend and bought my first ever piece of art. In fact I bought two. I wrote to a prisoner abroad for a few months, but sadly had to stop as I had miscalculated how much time I’d have free. I had a very upsetting run in with the downstairs neighbours which is yet to be resolved completely. I went ice skating at the Natural History Museum.

Lord, I’ve actually been quite busy it seems! I’m glad I put that all down; nothing like a bit of  black and white to get some perspective. Well, it’s 2008 now, and although we’re only 11 hours in I’ve had one order and last night was actually fun, which is possibly a first for me, so it’s a good start! Onwards and upwards.

Blog Break

Wow, this blogging thing is high maintenance. Except in my case it isn’t because I haven’ t done it for ages. But to be fair, I’ve been running a business, working in a shop and trying to have some kind of life (well, the first two things are true), which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for a) blogging and b) doing anything interesting enough to actually write about. There is some comfort in the fact that no one I know knows about this blog so no one really reads it unless they are unfortunate enough to stumble on it by accident. Which means I can write anything I like really. I guess I haven’t much because I keep a diary as well, and I have a business blog, and really that is becoming altogether too much writing!

So after a whole paragraph about nothing, I’m going to sign off for a while. I’ve considered deleting the blog, but then I thought, I might like to look back over it in years to come, when my life really IS crazy and exciting, and think ‘Ahhh, those were the days’, or something.

Organised Chaos

At lunch today with my mum, we were dicussing the difference between being tidy and being chaotic. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that there is no surface in my flat that can be seen by the naked eye, or with glasses for that matter. Most of the debris is paper, but there are also a lot of Things, like books, soft furnishings, photos and all sorts of things that probably should have a home of their own but don’t. I have lived like this my whole life, having been brought up in a household where tidiness was pretty much a dirty word. My mum is gloriously chaotic, and can never find anything. My father is pretty tidy in comparison, and Mum’s disorganisation drives him nuts; I seem to have landed somewhere in between. My flat’s a tip but at least I know where everything is. More or less.

There is something about mess that I find extremely comforting. I always apologise for it when people come round, but secretly I’m not sorry at all because nothing makes me feel more uneasy than minimalist order. I’ve been to houses where no surface is sullied by any object, the walls are largely bare, the kitchen worktops are not cluttered with electrical appliances, and the atmosphere is cold, hollow and not at all comfortable.

Of course there’s a difference between messy and dirty, and I’m sorry to say my home occasionally tips over into the latter (hey, I’m a creative person, my mind’s on Higher Things), but on the whole, how much cosier it is to have some STUFF lying around the place, than a show home that looks as if no one even lives there.

On Not Letting The Bastards Get Me Down

It seems yesterday was rock bottom, because today was better. I posted a new note through, suggesting a meeting with the wife, and have yet to hear back. It was suggested to me to do some chakra meditation and also envisage a sphere of sparkling light around me, protecting me and only allowing good things through. I visualised it throughout the day on and off and did seem less nauseated and filled with dread when I went back to the flat to get a few things and collect my post after work. Nevertheless I’m still at my parents’ tonight. It’s cosy!

Definitely feeling less bleak. I’m refocusing on the business and it looks like I’ve done as much as I can now before the developers hand the site over and I have to start learning how it works! I’m clawing my way back people! It’s beyond ridiculous to let someone else make my choices for me. Of course I know that in a purely intellectual way, but sometimes no amount of logic or reasoning will penetrate. I have to keep remembering how far I’ve come and that I know where I’m going and I really wanna go there! Well, I kind of know where I’m going.

Where DOES Charity Begin?

I am trying to choose a charity to donate to; not exactly difficult to find one obviously, but what bothers me is I don’t know where the money’s going. If you give to a big charity, how do you know your money isn’t just going into admin and not directly to the cause about which you feel strongly enough to want to give money in the first place?

There are of course a few causes particularly close to my heart, but deciding which charity would benefit most from my small donation is like trying to lick my elbow. I can’t do it! I guess the smaller the charity, the more likely they are to benefit, especially if your donation isn’t enormous. I wanted to give to Amnesty, but when I read that a donation of £5 a month enables them to ’send four faxes’ I just don’t feel like that would be doing the most good I could with a fiver.

I’ve done some hands on charity work and that’s always good because you can see the fruits of your labours and how people are benefiting from them, and of course it’s much more rewarding all round. Sometimes people need hands just as much as, if not more than they need cash, but sadly there isn’t always time for this, so I figured a monthly donation to a good cause would at least be something.

I’ve been on www.justgiving.com, which neatly categorises hundreds of charities for you, making it much easier to choose. In theory.  Clearly I need to set aside like an hour to trawl through charities large and small, so really I should stop writing now and go and do that.