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Most days I seem to be ok, and then some days I miss him so much I can hardly breathe.
Being single when almost all your friends are deliriously head over heels and you’re still in love with the guy who left you nearly a year ago REALLY SUCKS. There is no doubt that I am genuinely happy for my loved up friends, but coming home to an empty flat which is a complete tip and needs a damn good clean frankly is not in any way cheering.
However. I am not going to go down this road, so I had a bubble bath and am planning some nice things for myself. I haven’t made anything in ages so I’m going to see about that, I have a painting to finish for a friend (well, technically it’s pastels and gold leaf, but what do you call that, a picture? What am I, five?), and cupboards full of craft things waiting to be, um, crafted. Tidying the bombsite that is my flat would be a better use of my time but wouldn’t be fun so is not allowed.
I’m seriously considering hiring someone to do a one off blitz. But I’d just have to tidy and clean a bit before they arrived….
Or do anything really, except sort through papers and transfer lists to new pieces of paper.
Well, I have officially launched my business! Nine months of preparation; it’s almost like I’ve given birth! Kind of have, in a way. Because it’s a website rather than a bricks and mortar shop, there wasn’t really any tangible way to celebrate it, like a party where you cut the ribbon! It was just me in my flat going ‘oh my god, I’ve just officially started my own business!’ and feeling very strange and a bit lost, then terrified because I had three orders within about an hour, and then ecstatic and excited because I love doing this!
Exhaustion is kicking in after this roller coaster day. Gotta sleep.
Well I’m back in my flat and it’s eerily quiet downstairs. Last night they were up til almost 1am with friends, and to be fair were quieter than usual, but we’ll see if they are out with said friends tonight and rock in at some ungodly hour. In fact, I hear a key in a door now…. no, that’s the upstairs neighbour.
But that is so not important right now; I have bigger fish to fry. Namely my website, which is supposed to be ready by Friday but due to a bunch of last minute mishaps is looking likely to be pushed back by yet another week. No! I will not let this happen. Launching a retail business in mid November is never going to be good timing, so I can’t let the last few weeks before Christmas slip by because I don’t understand how the payment processor works.
There is a band of pain round my forehead that’s getting tighter. I must get away from the computer!
Sometimes I have so much love inside it feels like there’s no more room to keep it in and it’s going to explode and shatter me into tiny pieces, and I wish someone would come along who I could give it to, or share it with. Where is he? It’s wasted on me alone. To want to share and have no one to share with is a lonely thing.
“I’ve missed over 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games.
26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot…and missed.
I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I
succeed.”
Michael Jordan
Professional Basketball Player
My father is 70 today. I always thought that was really old, but when I look at him he doesn’t seem it, or look it. We’re going out for a family dinner to celebrate tonight, 16 of us. I’ve been wondering why I feel so anxious about it, although it’s not news that I find group occasions difficult. I’m guessing that stems from school, which I loathed, but who knows. Funny thing is, I love meeting new people etc, but group occasions, especially meals, weddings and christenings make me so stressed out I often get ill before them. I hate that I don’t seem to be able to be normal about this, but there it is.
Anyway, Daddy is in an excellent mood today which is fantastic, and I really hope tonight is memorable and happy for him. Perhaps this unexplained feeling is because of the milestone element of today. 70 is not young, however young he looks or feels, and inevitably there is a sense of ‘making the most of the time we have’. I won’t go there now, it’s not helping.
Anyway, I really want to enjoy tonight and part of that will involve me making an effort, so I’d better go and start preparing. This could take some time. I’m not exactly the queen of pampering, and definitely not what you’d call high maintenance.
